User blog:Ireithien/The Tale of Unicorns, Whales, the Conquering Eggplants, the Conquered Carrots (and Cucumbers), and Murder Because of Romance - Musings from a Mad LMBWian

This is why I love LMBW. It's about the only place where within twenty minutes of joining chat, you end up inventing a really weird story about talking whales and unicorns fighting wars and having lots of ancestors with the same names as them. Enjoy this weirdness...

Once upon a time, there was a magical world. I don't know what it's called. In it, there lived strange beings. There were five types of beings in this world with no name: Unicorns, who live in the clouds; whales, who... actually I'm not sure where they live. They breathe oxygen, so they don't live underwater; eggplants, who live on a separate continent, isolated from the peaceloving whales and unicorns; the carrots, who live on the same continent as the peaceloving unicorns and whales but mostly deal with their own affairs; and the cucumbers, a subculture of the carrots.

Anyway, a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, really long time ago, a whale named Herbert Theodore Thaddeus the I gathered up his fellow whale tribeswhales and started a kingdom somewhere. He called it the Whale Kingdom. (He was a creative guy.) At about the same time, a unicorn named GERTRUDE THE I started the Unicorn Empire. (Just in case you are wondering... in unicorn culture, all proper nouns are written in all caps. It is considered an extreme sign of disrespect to write a unicorn's name in lowercase letters.) The two civilizations coexisted well for a really long time.

Then, many, many, many, many, many years later, the eggplants decided to declare war on the offending carrots. They loaded up on their big warships and sailed to the other continent. The cucumbers decided to help the carrots in the war. There was one particular cucumber, named Roberto the XVI, who will be very important to this story at one point, so pay attention. He had a big bushy mustache... which really isn't all that special. All cucumbers have mustaches. Anywho, he was a really good fighter, this Roberto, and he fought for the carrots. They were sure to win.

Unfortunately they lost. The eggplants destroyed the carrots and obliterated the cucumber culture. Roberto, ignoring the advice of his father, Roberto the XV, traveled to the Unicorn Empire and married the unicorn empress, one GERTRUDE THE VI. A direct descendant of the aforementioned GERTRUDE THE I. They were happy for a long time. They had a baby unicorn, whom they named GERTRUDE THE VII.

However, the eggplants were seething over the fact that Roberto the XVI escaped their conquering clutches. So they sent their evil minion, the dragon butterfly, to kill him. Roberto the XVI was too good a fighter, however, so they settled for the next best thing: they killed his wife, GERTRUDE THE VI.

Stricken with intense grief, Roberto pursued the offending dragon butterfly to the ends of the earth, where he battled the terrible beast.

Unfortunately he got his butt handed to him by the dragon butterfly, who, ironically, couldn't kill him earlier. Thus was the doom of Roberto the XVI.

GERTRUDE THE VII was really sad at her parents' death, but she got over it quickly and became empress of the unicorns. Then a big civil war happened and the unicorns dispersed into many different clans.

One day, the descendant of Herbert Theodore Thaddeus the I, Herbert Theodore Thaddeus the XIII, (we'll just call him HTT XIII) was walking along when he spotted GERTRUDE THE VII being attacked by evil prairie dog assassins sent by the still-vengeful eggplants, who were really ticked that they hadn't thought to kill GERTRUDE THE VII with the dragon butterfly sooner.

HTT XIII valiantly stepped in and saved the day. The two were wed the next morn, uniting the Unicorns back into an Empire and binding the whale and unicorn civilizations together for like, a really long time.

Keplers, who had secretly admired GERTRUDE THE VII all his life, was really upset. So one day he brutally murdered HTT XIII. Then he kidnapped GERTRUDE THE VII and took her to his secret lair.

Now, GERTRUDE THE VII and HTT XIII had had a son, a nice, strong whale named Herbert Theodore Thaddeus XIV, after his father. HTT XIV had magical powers: he could breathe fire, fly, shoot lava out of his blowhole (is that what it's called?) and he could travel through time. HTT XIV hired a guy named Ireithien to be his master and trainer, then set off on a personal revenge vendetta to kill Keplers and save his mother, GERTRUDE THE VII.

The End.

Now, GERTRUDE THE VII and HTT XIII