User blog:LondonDauntlessCorvair963/Simple History.

In case you're a n00b, this is history summed up for you. It will have some jokes in it, but if you don't get them, it's not my problem.

In the beginning, the universe was created. Never mind how, I refuse to start a giant flame war. Then the earth was made. The first man said to the first woman "Hey, let's have a baby." And they did. And those kids had more babies. (This was before incest was illegal, in case you don't know.) Then eventually there were millions of peeps.

Fast forward to the early 1000s. The Black Plague is killing everyone in Europe. Since doctors were medical beasts, they wore bird looking masks with flowers and herbs in them to protect them from the disease.

Eventually stuff got better, but then 1492 happened. Columbus was just putting down his pot when he noticed some land which was clearly India and totally not anything else. Eventually people realized that it wasn't India and shunned him. Then the 1500s happened. The Catholic church was totally screwing everything up and you could basically buy yourself a ticket to heaven.

In the 1600s bunch of other Christians got together and said "Oh hell naw!" and left Europe for that place that Columbus discovered that I guess wasn't India after all. They settled there and established 13 colonies.

Since everyone there was British, they loved their tea, it was an alternative to gasoline today. Eventually it got up to 4 bucks a gallon and they threw it all into the ocean in protest. Then there was a boom, then another boom, although they had to reload, so each boom would only repeat once every 5 minutes. The 'Muricans won, as always, and they established a new country: The United States of America. It was free to everyone except blacks, Mexicans, the Irish, slaves, the Chinese, women, gays, and Mormons.

Around four score and seven years later, some white trash rednecks got really mad that the government wouldn't let them have their pet humans. They left the Union and failed miserably in the war that followed. Then the president was killed by some actor guy who thought if he killed him, the white trash rednecks would rise up again. Nope.avi.

In the 1900s, things were good. And by good, I mean there was a bloody great war in Europe between the Germans, the Brits, and the French. (Fun fact: This is the only time when the French didn't drop their guns at the sight of guns.) Then America said "A war? Cool!" and joined in. Then the war ended 5 seconds later. This marked the first American intervention ever, and would spark stereotypes for decades to come. Ford then made the Model T, a car that cost 0.0000000000000000000001 cents in today's money, which would have been $1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 then.

The 1930s came. There were Tommy Guns and not a lot of money. Yeah. That's really it...

The Germans then decided it was their turn to win a war against Britain and France, and they hired this guy with a weird moustache and he invaded France. THIS time, the French dropped their guns. The Brits started attacking Germany and Germany said "Oh nein you didn't!", forcing the Brits to live in the underground subways. Then Hitler made the genius plan to invade Russia in the winter. His soldiers froze to death and no, none of them were Captain America. On the other side of the world, some Japanese dudes destroyed our epic planes and ships and suddenly everyone in the 'States was all riled up to go and intervene again. At the sight of the USA, Germany panicked and started trying to win even though it was total denial. Eventually the good guys won once again, and Germany has tried to cover up that the Nazis even existed.

The Russians all of a sudden got all these nukes and so did the United States. Then they discovered that Vietnam existed, and the US saw freedom in its eyes once again. They went in, little knowing that living in a jungle all your life will give you some pretty good tactics. We had to back out cause a bunch of hippies were making fun of the government.

With the 70s came punk rock and a lack of gasoline. Only one of those was good for everyone. Coincidentally, the car makers deicded that it was then a good time to release all these gas guzzling muscle cars.

The 80s rolled around and everyone was all fired up from the 70s, which only made the 80s that much better. The gas came back, but since car makers were a little slow (Pun not intended.), they made cars that were total pieces of crap. Once again the Japanese tried to invade America. They won. As per the norm, America invaded Panama to get this guy to stop being president.

The 90s came and the Berlin Wall fell. Basically it was this wall that seperated the United States and the USSR, or United Soviet Socialist Republic. In Russian, that's CCCP, which stands for Cnited Coviet Cocialist Pepublic.

In 2001 a bunch of really angry terrorists killed a ton of our peeps. Because, you know, attacking the country with the world's biggest army and telling them to stay the hell out of their way is a great idea. Then America said "OH HELL NO!!!" and totally destroyed their country back. The terrorists then started crying and ran to their homes that were now piles of dust. It was also the same year that a legend was born. A legend on this very wiki. A legend who is typing this sentence right... About... Now.

2008 came and once again there wasn't a lot of money to go around and eventually hoboes started outnumbering the people with steady jobs.

In 2015 ISIS attacked Russia. So Russia, the United States, the Brits, Germany, France, Iraq, and all of our other friends decided the time was now. Surprisingly, none had to use an atom bomb, because throwing a child in the deep end and expecting him to swim is a much less effective tactic than training him for a while in the shallow part of the pool before putting him in the deep end.

In 2057, Jesus returned, but only to find everyone wiped out. You know how I said nobody dropped the atom bomb? Well, I lied. The United States yelled "Stop! ATOM TIME!" and blew up the Middle East. Russia dropped a bomb on the US for stealing their kill and then the US said "SHUT UP N00B! I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOM!" and it kept going until all countries were destroyed.

The end.