User blog:Keplers/Somme's Kitchen

(inspired by the critically-denounced programme Brick's Kitchen)

Welcome to Somme's Kitchen, where I teach people how to make authentic food from European nations, like French fries, Hamburgers, English muffins, and Turkey (we still have hope for you).

Today, wir machen Hamburgers. First, the ingredients:


 * 1) Ein Burger. Hamburger is preferable; Salzburger tastes absolutely disgusting.
 * 2) Two buns. These are preferably made from some type of dough; recycled parts of the 'burger suffice.
 * 3) One slice of tomato.
 * 4) One leaf of lettuce.
 * 5) Ketchup. Catsup, made from dried cats' meat that is marinated in its own juices, is acceptable.

On to the steps of preparation:

First, acquire a Hamburger. They can only be found residing in Hamburg, though it is possible to lure them out of town on the pretense of holiday or business. Once you have done so, find an out-of-the-way spot to slaughter your Hamburger, where the mess will not be too noticed. Feed your Hamburger into a mincer and pack the meat into patties. Cook the meat in an oven.

You know, a great story from the old days, they once made lots of Hamburgers at once in these giant industrial ovens. Those were closed down for health concerns, but back in the day they were responsible for like 90% of Europe's 'burgers.

Once your Hamburger is cooked, place on a prepared bun. This is by far the easiest step of the process: it's the Polish invasion of Hamburgers.

Atop the meat, apply a liberal dose of ketchup. Then add one slice of tomato. Between this and the process of acquiring the 'burger, you may think all the food is redder than snow in Russia in 1942. Fear not, for this is what our fifth step is for:

Lay over the ketchup one leaf of lettuce. This is to contrast the red with green and present an aesthetically pleasing meal; the lettuce may be discarded before consumption. After this, you may place your second bun on top.

The Hamburger is now ready to eat! Eat alone, or serve to an unsuspecting guest.