User blog comment:DetJones/New LMBW story/@comment-4041224-20150325211255

Well, according to fimfiction I'm not in the position to criticise anyone's writing, but I'll do it anyway since you asked.

It's an interesting idea, I guess; however, I'm afraid the whole thing is quite rushed and you basically skipped the entire exposition of both setting and characters, so you might possibly want to get back to that. That "laying" in the first paragraph after the chapter break should be "lying", I'm pretty sure, and you had the word "check" somewhere in there twice in a row.

But yeah, other than that, it's quite adequate. :P