User blog comment:Ireithien/The Walking Jed - Chapter 3/@comment-4845243-20140228005456

I think the length and overall content is good. It's suspenseful and engaging, enough so to make me want to keep reading, which is impressive since I could not care less about zombie stuff. :P

Okay, time for some constructive criticism. I was going to critique your last chapter, but somehow my comment refreshed and I gave up on it, so I'll stick with this one.

First of all, you overuse the incomplete sentences. In literary writing a few incomplete sentences for dramatic effect can be appropriate. However, you use them in some situations where they don't really add to the quality of the writing. The prime example of this is your first paragraph:


 * Sprinting down the street back to his car, dodging left and right around zombies. Shooting them dead as he went. Ire considered why the heck he had ever decided to help the kid in the window.

This could easily be combined: "Sprinting down the street back to his car, dodging and shooting zombies as he went, Ire considered why the heck he had ever decided to help the kid in the window." The incomplete sentences just disrupt the flow of the sentence, which should read quickly to correspond to the drama of the moment. Some of your other incomplete sentences, however, contribute to depicting the drama of a moment.

Another suggestion is to differentiate more clearly between the narration (which is generally authoritative) and the protagonist's thoughts, which are usually speculation. There was really only one example of this:


 * The world had ended.

Clearly, this is how Ire felt, not what had actually occurred. As Ire's thought it fits in the flow of the story, but as a description by the narrator it disrupts the flow and makes little sense, unless worded as an analogy, such as "It was as if the world had ended".

One thing I noticed is a slight grammatical error in Malc's speech:


 * ''"I was thinking we'd find a good spot to stop and talk about what we plan to do."

You don't do plans, you execute, use, or carry out plans. However, since it is a character speaking imperfect grammar is fine, and even realistic. Just make sure to make the characters consistent: some use idioms and casual grammar more often than others, whereas some may speak more formally in general.

While we are on the subject of idioms and casual grammar, you should probably decide whether or not you wish to use them, and be consistent. So far you have used idioms ("shoot them dead", memes (sing the song of my people) and contractions. These are marks of casual writing, as opposed to academic, reflection, or literary writing. Personally, if I were writing a story I would restrict myself to the literary writing style. Literary style uses words not acceptable in academic settings ("for" meaning because, "divers" meaning many, "though" as the beginning of a sentence", "myriad" meaning many, etc.) and tolerates incomplete sentences for dramatic effect. Food for thought.