User blog:DetJones/The Roast Of Alemas

A nervous looking guy stepped up onto the podium and looked around, tapping the mic to make sure it was on. DetJones. He checked his watch before looking up at the crowd and grinning, seeing just how many were watching. "Is this thing on?" asks Det, wearing an unusal outfit. A Austria football kit and a black and yellow scarf, that had some German text on the backside, with a black skull cap. The crowd murmered, wondering what he was going to say.

"Ah, well, the microphone appears to be working. Let's get down to business, we're all here for my good friend Alemas, I've been told I'm supposed to roast him," grinned Det. "Well, when I was looking through the subjects to use backstage, I came across the subject of caps. I hear every time someone goes on a caps lock shouting spree, Alemas quietly says 'caps', no matter how far away he is."

The crowd chuckled at this and Det continued. "I did research on fear of caps and couldn't find anything on it but I have some theories on why. See, Alemas had a account on the LMBs, it was called Alemas2005. Many users use their birth year in usernames, so are you thinking what I'm thinking? Alemas is just a really old looking ten year old. Most kids that age don't like loud noises, so maybe he gets scared thinking of people caps-shouting on chat."

The crowd laughed more, encouraging Det to continue. "Now, we all know Alemas can sense you using caps. But what if in real life he stops someone every time they shout to say 'caps'? I can imagine him charging the stage at a rock concert and fighting through all those brawny security guards, just to tell the rock star to stop shouting."

"He's also kind of tetchy when it comes to using the kick button. One day me and him were having a great conversation about biology, and we came across the subject of snakes. He asked me, 'what's your favorite snake?' and I replied 'anaconda.' Before I knew what was happening, I'd been kicked. Then I came back on and said 'WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?', and then I was kicked again. I came back a third time and said 'You idiot, why did you kick me again?', only to be kicked a third time for a personal attack. I repeated my previous question and was banned, and a message was left on my wall saying 'You've been banned for innuendos, caps, and repeated personal attacks. Please use this time to reflect on what you did.'"

The crowd erupted at this. "At the time I didn't know what innuendos I had made, we had been talking about completely clean subjects. Someone later told me Anaconda was a song by Nicki Minaj. I looked it up, it's pretty good actually. Well, I'm still banned from chat for mentioning it. If any of you see Alemas, tell him I was talking about snakes."