User blog comment:LlamaMinister/WIP Chapter One of Several For a Potential Book/@comment-26944420-20160702004521

Well, without any context as far as plot goes, it's kind of strange to read it. Who is Gaffney, why is he being chased, where and when is this even taking place, etc.

Maybe split the last paragrah into two or three other paragraphs between "scenes".

You used the phrase "such a rush" twice in a row, and then a third time a few lines later. This sounds awkward and doesn't give your story much structure in the way of variety in your expressions.

You misspelled "sir" as "ser".

" The shouts cut through the air of the musty market like a knife through bread." IDK if this is just me, but this simile sounds like every other simile I've ever read in a contemporary book. There's nothing wrong with just saying, "The shouts reached the ears of the marketgoers," or something like that.

Again, what do the words "Velwood", "Glendel", and "Pilwhen" mean?

In short: Since I don't have any plot context, my perspective on this could be skewed. However, you should definitaley improve on putting some variety into your phrases, but at the same time, don't overdo the amount of similes and metaphors.